If you really loved me

Love knots are faulty assumptions that sabotage intimacy. They may seem true, but upon closer examination, we realize they aren’t based on rationale expectations. Consider one of the most common: “If you really loved me …” If you really loved me, you would know what I want, and you would do it. Since you don’t, you…

Sustaining positive relationship change and growth

Change is the one thing you can count on in relationships. The relationship changes as external circumstances change and as the needs, desires, growth and experience of the partner’s shift. At the same time, resistance to change is normal and should come as no surprise, even when a proposed change clearly makes sense. We resist…

Six questions towards a better relationship

Focus specifically on issues in your relationship that are important to you. It is useful to ask six questions in order to arrive at the issues you would like to negotiate. What do I want that I am not getting? What am I getting that I don’t want? What am I giving that I don’t…

The relationship contract

Most couples who are unhappy in their relationship feel disappointed, if not outright betrayed, that what they expected to find in the relationship either hasn’t happened or has stopped happening.

Symptoms of inner peace

Some signs and symptoms of inner peace: A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment. A loss of interest in judging other people. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others. A loss of interest in power and conflict….

Individuation and differentiation

There are some concepts that I have tried to put in simple language, about the emotional development needed for a grownup adult relationship (See Guidelines for Grownups). I’d like to introduce another type of language.  Murray Bowen, a psychiatrist who was Director of the Family Studies Center at Georgetown University, has developed some terminology that…

Thoughts of a sexual male

I am a forty-five year-old man, divorced and re-married, with one daughter and one stepdaughter. I have lived most of my life with lots of thoughts about sex.