Eroticism and lovemaking

Nowhere is it more important to consciously know and understand what gives pleasure to your partner than in the bedroom. Any lingering attitude regarding power and control can be destructive. Each of us needs to be aware of the full richness and meaning of our sexuality — and not be fixated on the sometimes limited scope of the orgasm.

Our sexuality is an integral part of our total personality and is expressed, to some extent, in all that we do — virtually from the moment of birth until our last breath.

In many┬ácultures, we often tend to equate “sexuality” with “intercourse,” which is something like saying that the Empire State Building is New York City; a prominent feature, undoubtedly, but can you imaging how it would be standing there all alone?

Our male or female essence is expressed in all of our emotional, intellectual, physical and fantasy experiences and responses and relationships — in all the ways in which we take and give comfort, pleasure, challenge, meaning, and stimulation to those of the same as well as the opposite sex.

Sexuality embraces our need for affection, closeness, touching, communication, sharing, relating–in short, our need for “being” — as well as our need for release of the neural and physiological tensions accumulated during sexual arousal.

Unsatisfactory sex is most often based on inhibition, fatigue, lack of information or poor communication — a failure to understand what is really wanted rather than an inability or unwillingness to provide it. Usually the underlying problem is that people don’t bother, or dare, to honestly assess their sexual needs and preferences. Or if they have, they lack the self-confidence to accept them as okay and confide them to their partners.

Sexual arousal is more subtle than the erotic fondling with which it is usually associated. People differ greatly in how they are initially aroused and in how their passion is later heightened. These different preferences aren’t good or bad. They just are. And it is your responsibility to learn what they are for you, and to be comfortable enough with them to be able to use them, talk about them, or share them with your partner.

The largest instrument of sex is not between the legs, it is between the ears–the head. What goes on in your head will determine your sexual responsiveness.

The largest body area for receiving sexual pleasure is the skin and the chief instruments for giving pleasure are the hands and mouth. The sensitive use of your hands, mouth, and tongue on your partner’s body can evoke a level of sensuality and eroticism that far surpass the intensity of genital sex alone. It is important to take time to find out which parts of our partner’s body are especially erotic. Many people don’t know that the fingers and toes in a warm mouth can be an intensely erotic experience! While for some, the breast area is highly sensitive to touching, kissing, or sucking, it is less so for others. (Incidentally, the nipple area is as sensitive for some men as it is for some women.)

The abdominal area is full of nerve endings and also responds to different kinds of touch — from the light tracing of fingernails to massage and tonguing. The insides of the elbows and the backs of the knees can be very sensitive to stroking, kissing, or licking and, for many people, sensitive caressing of the ears with the lips and tongue can be erotic enough to cause orgasm. Caressing, kissing and tonguing ears or different parts of the neck can be equally erotic. It is essential that you take the time to learn and practice ways to use your mouth, tongue, fingers, and hands to give sensual pleasure to your partner. Stopping and starting can be a very erotic technique, arousing your partner, then stopping until erotic feelings recede, then building up arousal again. This can be repeated several times and leads to a higher level of excitement. Also, stimulating several areas at once can be very exciting — i.e., kissing mouth while fondling other parts.

Different people are turned on by different things during sex. Some like to talk (“dirty” or otherwise), others prefer silently turning off their brain and allowing the creature part of themselves to take over. Some like soft music and incense; some want the lights high, low or off; some like to savor sensations quietly, others to abandon themselves totally, thrashing and screaming; some delight in the “animal” aspects of their sexual passions while others experience as almost spiritual the loss of ego boundaries during sex that can feel ecstatic, as if merging with the infinite. Almost everyone finds that sex can relieve anxiety and tension and restore a sense of peace and tranquility. Obviously none of these sexual preferences or responses is “better” or “worse” than the others. It’s just a matter of how one is “wired” — and, just as we would study the manual of a new car, so we would know how to make it run smoothly, so it is up to each of us to learn how we and our partners are wired.

Fantasy is another important source of erotic arousal. Many people believe that they are being unfaithful if they think of anything or anybody other than their partner in lovemaking. The truth is, sexual fantasies are private; unless you choose to share what is in your head, no one will ever know.

For many people the ability to fantasize what is erotic for them, which is not necessarily what they would truly want to happen, is crucial in their ability to reach climax. Many who have been unable to achieve sexual release previously have found that sexual fantasy has enabled them to be orgasmic.

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