Ten rules for avoiding intimacy

If you want to avoid intimacy with another person, here are ten rules that are quite effective.  Of course, if you want to be intimate, you should not follow these rules!

RULE 1: DON’T TALK!  This is the basic rule for avoiding intimacy.  If you follow this one, you will never have to worry about being intimate again.

RULE 2: NEVER SHOW YOUR FEELINGS!  Showing your feelings is almost as bad as talking because sharing your feelings is a way of communicating.  If you cry, show emotion, express sadness or joy, you are giving yourself away.  You might as well talk.  And if you talk, you could become intimate.  So hide your emotions.

RULE 3: ALWAYS BE PLEASANT!  Always smile, always be friendly, especially if something is bothering you.  You’ll be surprised at how this will prevent you from being intimate and will fool your partner into thinking that everything’s perfect in your relationship.  If everything is okay, you and your partner won’t have to change.

RULE 4: ALWAYS WIN!  Never compromise.  Never admit that your partner’s view may be as good as yours.  If you start compromising, that’s an admission that you care about your partner’s feelings, which is a dangerous step toward intimacy.

RULE 5: ALWAYS KEEP BUSY!  If you keep busy at school or work, your work will keep you from being intimate with your partner.  Because our society values hard work and success, your partner won’t be able to complain that you’re putting all your time and energy into your work and ignoring him or her.

RULE 6: ALWAYS BE RIGHT!  There is nothing worse than being wrong.  That would indicate that you’re human.  If you admit you’re wrong, you’ll have to admit your partner is right and that will make him or her as good as you.  Then, you will have to take your partner into consideration, and before you know it, you’re intimate.

RULE 7: NEVER ARGUE OR DISAGREE!  If you argue or disagree, you’ll discover you and your partner are different.  If you’re different, you may have to talk about your differences and make adjustments for them.  That means revealing your feelings and needs, which requires talking and leads to intimacy.

RULE 8: MAKE YOUR PARTNER GUESS WHAT YOU WANT!  Never tell your partner what you want.  That way, you can tell him or her that he or she really doesn’t understand or love you.  If your partner did love you, he or she would know what you want without asking.  Not only will this prevent intimacy, it will drive your partner crazy as well.

RULE 9: ALWAYS LOOK OUT FOR NUMBER ONE!  Remember, you are number one.  All relationships exist in order to fulfill your needs.  Be selfish!  After all, you’re the one who’s making all the sacrifices in this relationship.

RULE 10: KEEP THE TELEVISION ON!  Keep the television on at all times, while you’re reading, when you’re in bed, while you’re talking — especially if your partner’s talking about something important.  This may sound petty, but it’s important to keep you from noticing that you and your partner are not talking with each other.

We want to caution the reader that this list is not complete.  You undoubtedly know other ways of avoiding intimacy.  These may be your own unique invention, or rules you’ve learned from others.  To complete this list, add your own rules for avoiding intimacy, and don’t share them or these rules with your “Significant Other.”

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